I love dogs so much!A cow who is feeling happy because I have taken the photo it will use for the cover of its psychedelic debut LP which it feels confident will get a five out of five star rating in Rolling Stone magazine.A highland cow who has seven beers since lunchtime, walked a new way home, realised she is lost, and decided the best option for the time being is to go to sleep, using a moorland boulder as a pillow.A group of very tough cattle I have been warned many times about, who are about to mug me for my lunch money on the way back from the combined cattle and human school we all attend.An extraordinarily boring bullock who has cornered me and is telling me about the many problems he has experienced trying to get through doorways over the years.A group of pretentious, brooding cattle who spend their whole lives acting like they are in some kind of cool American western movie from the the past, when in reality they live in modern day Dorset, not all that far from Blandford Forum.A couple of cows trying to find a Jaffa Cake which I have unkindly hidden from them inside a fuckload of hay.A cow whose feelings have been deeply hurt, owing to the fact I have told her that I will not drive over 300 miles out of my way to assist her with her mission to hitchhike to Ipswich and realise some of her metropolitan dreams.A spiritually displaced cow and her daughter, in the middle of a desperate search to give their life meaning, who are wondering if they can come and worship at the shit ruined church in the middle of nowhere that I am pretending to be vicar of.A bull and some cows who are looking at me in shock and disgust after I have woken up on my back in their barn, on the wrong side of a heavy night, with absolutely no idea how I got there.A young bullock who has just gone vegetarian and is finding it more enjoyable than he'd imagined, but trying not to be holier than thou about it.A hugely annoying cow who is constantly changing her perfume and saying to other cows, "Smell this, right now, smell this: it's the odour of pure heaven."Some cattle who use misty weather conditions as a cover for the vandalism they perform on golf courses throughout Europe as an ecological protest about the sport's use of pesticides and pointless decimation of valuable wildlife habitats.Some cattle with rich parents who have formed a band and paid a reputable PR and branding agency too much money to get their promotional photo just right.Some tense and jaded cattle who have just recorded their difficult third album, which the record company has informed them has no obvious hit single, and are consequently about to break up.A physically impressive but wretchedly lonely bull who has stolen another bull's child and is imploring me not to call the police.Two cows with little sense of hardship or how the real world works who think they own the sea just because they live near a very attractive bit of it.Two cool and modern cows from Bristol who thought they could finally have some time alone, at the top of some steps, to talk about the possibility of making their relationship polyamorous, and are annoyed because I have disturbed them.A cow who has been behind this hedge, listening to me slag it off with its friend Debbie, and has now told Debbie and me, "If you're going to say something about me, say it to my fucking face."
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I'd also appreciate if you read this post, about my difficulties in moving my list away from Substack, and - if you are already a subscriber - you take a moment to check that your payments are definitely going through, as banks have been blocking some payments from subscribers. (This is not me returning to Substack, but I had to go back in there to get the message to people who - due to the problems mentioned - didn't realise I'd moved my list to my own website.)
