American Golf Prior To The Fall Of Civilisation

Bob Salzberg: “Welcome back to the Compromised Lakes Country Club on this, the most perfect of days. Virtually no wind, and some overnight rain has softened the greens up so the course really is there for the taking. And here we have Brandel Quartz-Feldspar putting for his par on the 12th hole. Nicely done, Brandel. A player is always content when he gets through this hole with a three. And now over to Jim at the 10th.”

Jim: “Good afternoon, Bob. Someone just hit a golf shot of some description but I didn’t see who it was or where it went because I was busy thinking about ways I could be more of a stoic in airports.”

Bob Salzberg: “Thanks for that, Jim. We now have a four-way tie for the lead. Nick Faldo, Curtis Strange, Greg Norman and the rookie outsider D.B. Newglove all at six under par, heading into Satan’s Antechamber. And as we say every year here, the tournament doesn’t really start until the players reach Satan’s Antechamber on Sunday... In fact, who really knows why they bother playing the previous 65 holes at all. It's quite unnecessary, if we are all being strictly honest. To 13, and David!”

David Transatlantic-Yearning: “Well, let’s have a look at this tantalising dogleg 13th hole on the graphic. I don’t know what kind of dog the leg originally belonged to. Probably a medium-size dog. One of those breedless dogs I myself tend to favour. The ones that are essentially just a dog. Generally thought of as the easiest of the trio of holes that make up Satan’s Antechamber, the 13th ideally requires a drawing tee shot due to the trees cutting in on the left side. The second shot needs to carry the creek and preferably use the contours of an undulating green to feed down to the hole. Over the years we have seen many great players fall foul of the creek, not just because it’s a highly illogical place to hit your golf ball but because it’s haunted by the spirit of a one-eyed Cherokee chief whose tribe, after centuries of living here, were brutally evicted from the land when a wealthy industrialist built the course in 1887. If we pan back up in the direction of the tee where Brandel Quartz-Feldspar is waiting to play his drive we’ll see a new feature that’s been added this year, just behind the second bunker in the middle of the fairway: a nine-bedroom executive asphalt shingle new-build. The half-hipped gable on the south side directly over the spacious triple carport has been catching a lot of players out on their second shots.”

Bob Salzberg: “David Transatlantic-Yearning, do you remember what happened at this hole during your last performance here as a player, in 1981, prior to your naturalization as a US citizen?”

David Transatlantic-Yearning: “Haha, well, yes, Bob, I somehow had a feeling you might bring that up again. I certainly do remember that day with piercing clarity. I chunked my third shot into the creek and made quadruple bogey to miss the halfway cut and my career never recovered. In arriving home unexpectedly early, I discovered my wife Margaret, who’d assumed I’d be competing over the weekend, taking an afternoon nap with Steve O’Crosnick from the NBC commentary team. It all felt a little like a waking dream and I remember that the air suddenly seemed extraordinarily slow and thick as I advanced towards my usual side of the bed where my cuckolder, naked from the waist down but protected on his top half by my lucky Fred Perry polo shirt, knelt frozen to the spot like a stricken all-American Winnie The Pooh. What I recall most clearly was how taken aback Steve and Margaret seemed when I slumped down in the bedside armchair and asked them if they had any thoughts about why American creeks were non-tidal and generally less wide and interesting than those found in Cornwall.”