Important Biographical Information About Some Sheep I Have Met On My Walks
Some young sheep who are trying to lure me into their cult, which involves rigorous sobriety and the worship of old gates.
A sheep who is dealing with the disappointment of hearing the news that I will not take it home and permit it to be my child.
A morbidly inclined sheep, who likes to hang around in graveyards, detests parties and owns original pressings of the entire classic run of Leonard Cohen LPs from 1967 to 1974.
A sheep who moved to the city and had a bad time on drugs and is now recuperating at a moorland farm owned by a kind uncle.
A flock of sheep who had been trying to sneak up on me while I was asleep, with the intention of shaving off my beard and selling it on the black market as "weird wool".
Some sheep I threw an old football over to who were initially confused by the football but are now worshipping it as their new God.
A sheep whose only ambition in life is to watch things burn and is now staring me down defiantly, mere seconds after it has set fire to the world.
Two humans who initially just dressed up as a sheep for a village pantomime but have now decided to identify permanently as one sheep.
What I at first mistook for a sheep but is in fact a deadly bounty hunter from outer space who has been trying to track me down for many years, across several galaxies, and is feeling smug that he is finally going to receive the considerable fee, plus travel expenses, that he has been promised for his troubles.
A sheep who has lost confidence in her sporting ability who I am now trying to psych up, prior to major sheep hockey match, by looking directly into her eyes and telling her what a brilliant one-off talent she is.
A sheep who initially claimed to be a sheep but, on further interrogation, over a beer, admitted she was just posing as a sheep and was in fact one of the UK's last surviving wild pandas.
An uncharitable sheep who is laughing meanly after seeing a woman fall off a passing camel on a nearby bridleway.
Two friendly sheep I met on the coast path above the Atlantic, and attempted to stroke, only to find out they were ghosts.
A sheep who has come out to helpfully tell me I am not allowed to go any further down this lane because it is a private lane, only to be used by sheep and attractive people who everyone used to fancy at school.
A sheep who had mistakenly thought that the world was a wholesome place, entirely full of nice things and great art, until I told him about Toploader's Dancing In The Moonlight.
Two sheep who have just had "pre-drinks" and are on their way out, on a Saturday evening, with loose plans to fuck shit up.
A group of sheep gathering on a hillside before going to war and facing up to the fact that there is only a slim statistical likelihood of all of them coming back.
Some sheep who have recently watched Reservoir Dogs and as a result have been inspired to go for an intimidating gang walk whilst listening to the song Little Green Bag by The George Baker Selection.
A two-headed sheep who finds it hard to socialise and make friends due to the prejudices of the local population, who base everything on the surface and not the genuine goodness to be found deep inside.
Some sheep who went to see a show on the 2024 Taylor Swift Eras tour and took a whole year to walk back home, and are now extremely tired, but happy.
A sheep who has experienced a devastating dip in its previously buoyant mood because I have just told it about the ways in which the music and publishing industries are planning to use AI in the future.
A sheep who is still drunk from the night before and trying to find her way home from the party it attended, whilst wearing some comedy antlers.
A sheep who is looking at me sceptically after I have assured it that it is the best sheep ever.
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My most recent books are:
Everything Will Swallow You, available from Blackwells with free international delivery.
1983, available from Blackwells with free international delivery.
Villager, available from Blackwells with free international delivery.
Notebook, republished in April 2026 and available from Blackwells with free international delivery.
Ring The Hill, available from Blackwells with free international delivery.
Help The Witch, available from Blackwells with free international delivery.
21st-Century Yokel, available from Blackwells with free international delivery.
Close Encounters of The Furred Kind, available from Blackwells with free international delivery.
The Good, The Bad And The Furry, available from Blackwells with free international delivery
