Some Notes About The Best Sheep I Have Photographed During My Walks In The Countryside
A nihilistic sheep, who, like so many other sheep, just wants to watch the world burn, staring at me insouciantly, moments after it has set fire to a large portion of the United Kingdom.
A flock of sheep who had been trying to sneak up on me while I was asleep, with the intention of shaving off my beard and selling it on the black market as "weird wool".
A morbidly inclined sheep, who likes to hang around in graveyards, detests parties and owns original pressings of the entire classic run of Leonard Cohen LPs from 1967-1974.
A sheep who is dealing with the disappointment of hearing the news that I will not take it home and permit it to be my child.
Some young sheep who are trying to lure me into their weird sheep cult, which involves rigorous sobriety and the worship of old gates (the one at the bottom left of the picture was a particularly dangerous and disturbing character).
Two sheep who have just had "pre-drinks" and are on their way out, on a Saturday evening, with loose plans to fuck shit up.
A sheep who initially claimed to be a sheep but, on further interrogation, over a beer, admitted she was just posing as one and was in fact one of the UK's last surviving wild pandas.
What I at first thought of as a sheep but is actually a deadly bounty hunter from outer space who has been trying to track me down for many years, across several galaxies, and is feeling smug that he is finally going to receive the considerable fee, plus travel expenses, that he has been promised for his troubles.
Some sheep I threw an old football over to who were initially confused by the football but are now worshipping it as their new God.
Two friendly sheep I met on the coast path above the Atlantic, and attempted to stroke, only to find out they were ghosts and my hand went right through their stupid fake spectral wool.
Some sheep who have recently watched Reservoir Dogs and as a result have been inspired to go for an intimidating gang walk whilst listening to the song 'Little Green Bag' by The George Baker Selection.
A sheep who had mistakenly thought that the world was a genuinely happy place, entirely full of nice things, until I told him that the Toploader song 'Dancing In The Moonlight' exists.
A group of sheep gathering on a hillside before going to war.
A sheep who has experienced an extraordinary dip in its previously buoyant mood because I have just told it about exactly how much water data centres and AI consume and all the absolute wankers who think it's "progress".
Some cool and popular sheep I caught discussing my foibles behind my back.
A sheep with great taste in early 70s reggae who moved to the city and had a bad time on drugs and is now recuperating at a moorland farm owned by a kind uncle.
A two-headed sheep who finds it hard to make friends due to the prejudices of the local population, who base everything on the surface and not the genuine goodness to be found deep inside.
Two humans who initially just dressed up as a sheep for a village pantomime but have now decided to identify permanently as one sheep.
Some sheep who went to see a show on the 2024 Taylor Swift 'Eras' tour in a whole different region of the country to where they live and took a whole two years to walk back home, who are now extremely tired, but happy.
A sheep who has lost confidence in her sporting ability who I am now trying to psych up, prior to major sheep hockey match, by looking directly into her eyes and telling her what a brilliant one-off talent she is.
A sheep who is no longer extremely young but is still too young to know how to eat snow properly without getting it all over her face.
A sheep who is still drunk from the night before and trying to find its way home from the party it attended, whilst wearing some comedy antlers.
An uncharitable sheep who is laughing meanly after seeing a nearby woman fall off a horse and land in a small cold river.
Some sheep who have gone on holiday by mistake in a shit caravan, already deeply regret the money they have spent just to be near yet more grass and are wondering what they are going to do to amuse themselves for the next eight days.
A sheep I have met for the first time today who has already agreed to get in my car with me and go on a crazy trip over the border into Mexico, with no firm plans.
A stupid and gullible sheep who has been sadistically deceived by two small Satanic gremlins from the underworld who have made her believe they are really her children.
Some sheep who have already compromised their former punk rock ethics by making an album of lowest common denominator landfill indie rock purely for the money and have now caved to their record company's demand that they present a "non-threatening family-friendly image" for the cover photo.
A sheep who went on a walk because it wanted to see some pretty flowers for the first time and has become hopelessly lost, miles from home, with no idea how to get back to the house where it lives with an unimaginative family who have no appreciation of beauty.
Some well-organised fundamentalist sheep who live in a bygone era in their heads and are about to burn me for being a witch, just because I live with cats, am kind to spiders, sometimes listen to quite weird folk music and enjoy books by Sylvia Townsend Warner.
